justtryintohelp

Oh, Baby.

Hmmm...

Hippo Day

Download HIPPO card here.

Ruddy Rudy.

You Chicken

It's a Mystery.

What the hell is this? (Or: About the Author)

Johnny Cake. Johnny Paycheck. Johnny Toothpick.

Buster. Butterfly. Sweet Corn.

JBG. Gjerts. Me. 

Dozens of monikers.

One strange mind of John Gjertson.

It all started upon retirement.

Gjerts started making lunch for his beautiful bride, a teacher at a small elementary school in the middle of nowhere. He began by doodling a note and placing it in the brown sack. Day after day, however, the notes got more elaborate and, soon, a new "card" was placed in the lunch for all to enjoy. ("All" being the other teachers at this small elementary school in the middle of nowhere.)

After nearly two years of creative vomit, it soon became apparent it was time to expand the audience. I mean, why should only a handful of unassuming people be harassed and offended by a deranged lunatic when there's enough pure madness to reach the world and, possibly, the universe?

Ahhh ... now that's giving back.

NOTE TO NEW READERS: All cards usually have a front side and an inside and a back. Sometimes these ideas have similarity, other times they're bad jokes, other times no one understands how one thought led to the other. That said, feel free to print out your favorites for your personal, crafty use. Of course,  you'll sometimes need to scratch out Gjerts' signature and write in your own, but that's the charm of a personal gift. (If printing or posting on your site, please be a good soldier and read the copyright info by clicking here.)

NOTE TO THOSE OF YOU WHO WRITE INTO YOUR LOCAL PAPER WITH CORRECTIONS: Find the occasional missspelling? Get over it. These are often liquor-induced, sleep-deprived concepts of the utmost creativity. We all know artists can't be hemmed in by rules of spelling and grammar and simple language guidelines. Jesus.

NOTE TO RESEARCH HOUNDS WHO CAN'T SLEEP UNTIL YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVEN THE MOST INANE TOPICS: Where does the name cowmooraff come from? Ah yes .... explore the cowmooraff mystery here. (And yes, we know giraffe has an 'e' on the end of it, but it wasn't as funny. Or: See prior paragraph.)

Copyright Info, Blah Blah Blah

• If you want to post a card on your site, awesome. Please just give the man credit. In this "15-minutes of fame" world, Gjerts has had like 20 seconds. And that was for things like lighting his chest hair on fire at parties and dressing up in drag at family reunions.

• When you do give credit, some ideas are: "Compliments of cowmooraff.com" ... Or you could say: "Look at this nutjob at cowmooraff.com" ... Or there's the favorite: "Relax, at least you're not THIS whacked yet -- like the guy at cowmooraff.com " ... (And, of course, adding the actual link is nice karma... And just good manners in the Emily Post-ing of ideas on the web. And you know the rule, etiquette first.)

• Next: want to print out a card to give to a loved one? Well, I'm sorry for that loved one. What did they ever do to you anyway? (Or: Same rules apply. Would it bust your hump to give credit where credit is due?)

Next, we should also mention this for good measure and shameless promotion:

• An Irish-coffee table book of John's cards is in the works. However, if you're a gazillionaire (or someone with deep pockets who loves to play jokes on society) and you want to see it hit the streets sooner, send us an email by clicking here. We are not too proud to take handouts. Or donations. Or any sort of financial prompting to create more cards or ideas or drawings. Yes, we are art sluts. (Oh boo hoo. Like you wouldn't be too.)

[AND FINALLY, THE REALLY FINE PRINT JUST TO SAY IT SO ALL YOU NAY-SAYERS STOP GRIPING "WHAT IF SOMEONE STEALS YOUR IDEAS, JOHN?" AND "WELL, I WOULDN'T TRUST THAT WEB THING, PEOPLE COULD RIP OFF YOUR CARDS. OR YOUR IDENTITY." AND "MY NEIGHBOR'S DAUGHTER'S BOYFRIEND GOT MIXED UP WITH SOME SHENANIGANS ON THAT INTERNET AND SOME CRAZY PERSON SENT A VIRUS TO HIS COMPUTER AND AFTER THAT, EVEN HIS MICROWAVE DIDN'T WORK SO YOU JUST BETTER BE CAREFUL AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT DON'T FORGET WHAT HAPPENED TO LINDA'S COUSIN'S DOG TRAINER WHEN SHE GOT ON SOME MAILING LIST AND SUDDENLY SHE WAS BOMBARDED WITH EMAILS FOR PENILE IMPLANTS AND WHEN HER MOTHER-IN-LAW LOGGED ON THEIR COMPUTER SHE SAW THOSE EMAILS AND HAD A HEART ATTACK AND FELL OFF THE CHAIR AND KILLED THE DOG AND THEN NO ONE WOULD HIRE THE DOG TRAINER CAUSE IF THE DOG TRAINER'S DOG DIED, WELL, YOUR DOG MIGHT BE NEXT AND BLAH BLAH BLAH...":   All ideas and drawings and jokes and puns and poems and characters and cartoons and pencil marks and color choices and paper folding techniques and all-around deep thoughts and even INKLINGS of deep thoughts -- unless otherwise noted -- are property of one Mr. John Gjertson, copyright 2007. And if you want to fight about it, just try it... I mean, his nephew is, like, a REALLY good lawyer who's even argued in front of a judge and everything ... In fact, he's helped other members of John's family get out of some SERIOUS binds. Wait. Forget I said that last part. Just read the part about "all ideas belong to John Gjertson, copyright 2007" and we'll leave it at that.]